who will listen?

i have much to say, i have much to share. i want to talk about the way things are to me. after all, isnt it my life? arent i suppose to live my life to better me? i go home with me everyday, not anyone else. i have to deal with my problems, that why there mine. im a very large person, and not just size wise. i have a very big heart, a very big mind, and a very big soul. all of which are open, if you can dig deep enough. but i can honestly say, that in my life, there has never been anyone, anyone who has. ill even go as far as this and start dropping dimes. jessica lasovich, ashley danielsen, britney cronk, the list can go on and on. but i can honestly say, the person you know, isnt me. not until and this will sound horribly cheesy, but i dont care what you think or who you are anymore, not until i watched a movie by myself did i figure the most important thing in the world. its what spme people want to claim they do, and thats know me. you can say you know me, but the absolute closest person who knows me, knows more about me as a person than anyone, is god. hes created me in his image. however warped it may be to some, he did. but the person on this earth, who is the closest to knowing the real me, i dont know. i dont know if she..... if she just wants to be as she is with me all the time, or if its the stigma her and i live by, but its my sister. ashley. shes the only person, who i have ever opened up to, honestly opend up to and spilled everything about myself to. but i feel as though even sometimes, she dont get me. i a large person, size wise. but im even bigger in my personality. you may not physically see me, but you know when im there. i may not even be there, but im there with you, cause you know what id expect form you, what id do for you, how id protect you. id like to think you think of me when you need something, and fyi, when i say you, i mean anyone and everyone ive ever had an impact on there life. id like to think im loved, and well respected. hated by some, but im ok with that. ive reached for help before. but never like this. this is probably changing the way some of you think of me. i try to be the big bad hard ass as best i know how, try to protect all and everyone. i try. but this is one time when, someone of my stature, whether it be good in your book or bad, i need someone. anyone. i may need more than one. who knows, i dont cause ive never done this before. and this is what im asking for. anyone, who can block out everything you knwo about me, or have ever thought about me, and can with a clear head, listen to me. not just comment my status's and say are you ok, are you ok, are you ok. heres your answer. NO. im not. i dont care who it is. i really dont. i need someone. someone who wont judge me. and give me a chance to start over with them. so they can know me. for good or for bad. idc, i want someone to know me. other than god himself, i want to be able to look someone in the eyes, and say, this person knows me. ME. friends, family, exs, and futures will read this. make theyre own judgements about what im saying, but how many of them, knwoing this is an open call, to anyone. will have enough heart to reach out. ive reached for years. and pulled with all my might some of you through things you never thought youd make it through. ive made some of your lifes at times, hell. but i need you to let that go. i need you. i want someone to help me. i want someone to understand me. i cant act anymore. i just cant. i went to church on sunday, and i belive, with all my heart, god spoke to me. and he said to me, Son, its your time. Its time to do what you know you should have always done. you always knew you could start over, but you have to do one thing. and thats trust. trust in me, your lord god, to carry you. but in doing so, live right. the message to me from the preacher, was forgivness. the message to me form god, was start now. as soon as im done typing this, i will pray to my god, for that forgiveness and the strength to do as he wishes me to. and the strength, to defeat my own mind, for when someone whoever it is reads this, and does have that heart that i hope they think they do and calls me, or comes to me, that i dont close up and shut down. i will pray for all of you, and i will pray for those who hate me, love me, and any other emotion towards me. its not about what you want form me anymore. its about what im going to give you. and thats the real Matt Clark. i will not act anymroe. i just cant do it. this is me form now on. and im just saying right now, if one person critisizes my grammar, spelling, or any of the sorts, when im the most serious ive ever been, i swear to you, and god, i will not take it. do not take this as a sign of weakness. this is not a threat, i will not hurt myself for any of those who think thats where this is going. im trying to be who i know i need to be now. there may be extra letters here and there, but i dont care. i may screw up spelling, but bite me. dont miss my point. ive tried to be some peoples help. and in closing, i will ask this, who...... will be mine?