just a little freakin upset

i dont understand why, i know i shouldnt be, i have no reason to be, but yet, i feel angry. i know its wrong for my reason, i know its not true, but i cant help how i feel about it. im a little freaking pissed. i dont knwo what to do, just dont get it. i dont know what i should do, i know ill do nothing, and sweep my feelings under the rug, but it still bothers me. and prolly will for awhile.

MY DAYS ARENT AS BRIGHT ANYMORE....

why can things never go right? ever. 8 months ago i was suppose to be home. im not suppose to be here anymore. but i am. life is just kicking my ass recently. i cant catch a brake to save my life. there are very few things in this world these days that i want, and i cant have any of them. i do the best i can by trying to keep my head up, chin up, chest out, and try to drive on. but its getting harder. and i cant let anyone help me with it, cause they dont know what its like. also, other aspects of my life are pretty ascue as well. those cannot and will not be fixed for a long long time. but that is the ultimate goal in my life. make it there. get what i want. get what i need. and live life happily ever after. being alone is the hardest part. when im in cb, things are different. i dont think about the things i do here cause i simply dont have the time. i spend my time with family, and friends. and they keep me away from those places i dont need to go, and they do well at it. i just want to be home. for good. this wekend stuff is nt good enough anymore. pretty much all i have tonight. bottom line, being alone sucks. DO NOT CORRECT MY SPELLING OR TYPING, IM TYPING FAST, AND I KNOW I LEAVE SOME THINGS OUT. I DONT CARE. SO DONT CORRECT ME.

you wanna know what the hardest part is?

the hardest part is accepting defeat. wanting something so bad, but then realizing, your never going to get it no matter how hard you try. no matter how hard you pray. and wish, and hope. its just never gonna happen. i have worked towards what i have no lost for a long while now. and now, id say it all seems like a waste of time. but to be honest, knowing how it was going to end. id do it all over again. just for the times that were good, ther were god given oh so good. id do it all again. all of it. but, the new me cant let me stay down for long, you gotta just roll with the punches, after all, its not like this fight is over, its only round 3 and im still standing. yea im banged up, got a cut over the eye, and blood is gushing in and i cant see the next hit coming, but who can? i got a good cut man in the one and only god, and he'll pull me through as he always does. i aint been knocked out yet(dead), so this fight, it aint over until brice buffer calls it damnit. and hey, who knows, always staying optomistic, maybe a rematch will come later on in our careers.

can anyone tell me....

where i should go with this one. it seems to have hit a plateau, and its not changing. its not declining, which is an amazing thing, but its not getting any better. and i don't know what else i can do, i don't know what is left to do in my power, in my place to show anything. i cant do more, i really cant. I'm bound, and tied by respect, and the knowing of the right thing to do. do i wish there was more i could do, every damn second of the day. i pray every night for guidance, and for them. i guess i just wait. wait. and wait some more. some day, ill get what i deserve, wont i?

things are changing.... and i dont know where im going

not to sure what this blog is about yet. but im just gonna rant about whats been in my head lately. i feel all my plans for my near future have changed. and im not sure yet if its for the worst or not. i get to do a life long dream of mine either way it would have went. but, its not what i planned. and no matter what i do, no matter what i choose, someone is going to be hurt. but the thing is, as i have learned and stated many times, you gonna have to be in tune with your star player, and thats me. i need to worry about whats right for me. what can make matt the happiest. what does matt want to do. i know what im going to do, and i know whos gonna be hurt already, but thats something they are going to have to deal with. its not my fault how the cards have fallen, it may seem as though i have done this all on purpose, but i havent. i need to worry about whats best for matt as i get out of the army. i need to take care of me and make sure im riight before i try to take care of anyone else. so thats what ill do. some may not like what im gonna do, some may. but heres the thing, im doing what im gonna be doing for you, or you, or even you. im doing it for me. im not trying to make you happy. im trying to make me hapy. many will read this and be upset, but realize first before you judge me. if im not 100% into something, it will fail. and i just getting out of the army, am not anywhere near 100%. i knwo what im gonna do, and like it or not, its whats gonna happen. now as for you, you are still in my eyes, the best thing to walk gods green earth. you are all i could ever ask for. all i could ever want. you make me happier than ive ever been. and you know you do. Just to see you smile, makes my day. and knowing i put that smile there fills my heart with joy. there will be a day for us, and you make not like what im gonna say here, but i hope its sooner rather than later. its not right now, but it will be someday. we'll have our fun inbetween, and whatnot, but no day will be greater than the day i am yours and you are mine. no day. big things are gonna be happening soon, feelings will be hurt, and i know youll be pissed. but its not about you, its about me right now. but i gotta do whats right for me first. i cant wait to come down and see my family again, and my brother most importantly. but i want yall to knowill be shocking a few in the nexts coming weeks. but, its whats best! see you soon, and remember, SMILE! YOUR BEAUTIFUL!

its not that.....

its not that i feel the opportunity slipping, away by anymeans, i just feel as though its being prolonged, and pushed farther back. in ways, it is getting better yes, it definalty is getting better. but, theres still a big ass hurdle in the way, and only time will take that bitch down. hopefully sooner rather than later, but none the less. and as bad it may sound and im sorry, i really am to have to say this, i cant wait til it happens. ill be happy as hell! but, until then, i shall stand by, and do all i can, and show yall whats up. im here, you know it. i aint going anyway anytime soon. love yall, later.

is he worth it?

instead of writing a huge blog, right now, all i want to know, is. is a man, who is honest. hard working. loving. caring. would do anything for you. and is able to freely be himself around you. is he worth it? if you werent 100% in every way happy with your life and what you have. and this man came along, and just fucked everything up by showing you this, is he worth it? am i, worth it?