can anyone tell me....

where i should go with this one. it seems to have hit a plateau, and its not changing. its not declining, which is an amazing thing, but its not getting any better. and i don't know what else i can do, i don't know what is left to do in my power, in my place to show anything. i cant do more, i really cant. I'm bound, and tied by respect, and the knowing of the right thing to do. do i wish there was more i could do, every damn second of the day. i pray every night for guidance, and for them. i guess i just wait. wait. and wait some more. some day, ill get what i deserve, wont i?

things are changing.... and i dont know where im going

not to sure what this blog is about yet. but im just gonna rant about whats been in my head lately. i feel all my plans for my near future have changed. and im not sure yet if its for the worst or not. i get to do a life long dream of mine either way it would have went. but, its not what i planned. and no matter what i do, no matter what i choose, someone is going to be hurt. but the thing is, as i have learned and stated many times, you gonna have to be in tune with your star player, and thats me. i need to worry about whats right for me. what can make matt the happiest. what does matt want to do. i know what im going to do, and i know whos gonna be hurt already, but thats something they are going to have to deal with. its not my fault how the cards have fallen, it may seem as though i have done this all on purpose, but i havent. i need to worry about whats best for matt as i get out of the army. i need to take care of me and make sure im riight before i try to take care of anyone else. so thats what ill do. some may not like what im gonna do, some may. but heres the thing, im doing what im gonna be doing for you, or you, or even you. im doing it for me. im not trying to make you happy. im trying to make me hapy. many will read this and be upset, but realize first before you judge me. if im not 100% into something, it will fail. and i just getting out of the army, am not anywhere near 100%. i knwo what im gonna do, and like it or not, its whats gonna happen. now as for you, you are still in my eyes, the best thing to walk gods green earth. you are all i could ever ask for. all i could ever want. you make me happier than ive ever been. and you know you do. Just to see you smile, makes my day. and knowing i put that smile there fills my heart with joy. there will be a day for us, and you make not like what im gonna say here, but i hope its sooner rather than later. its not right now, but it will be someday. we'll have our fun inbetween, and whatnot, but no day will be greater than the day i am yours and you are mine. no day. big things are gonna be happening soon, feelings will be hurt, and i know youll be pissed. but its not about you, its about me right now. but i gotta do whats right for me first. i cant wait to come down and see my family again, and my brother most importantly. but i want yall to knowill be shocking a few in the nexts coming weeks. but, its whats best! see you soon, and remember, SMILE! YOUR BEAUTIFUL!

its not that.....

its not that i feel the opportunity slipping, away by anymeans, i just feel as though its being prolonged, and pushed farther back. in ways, it is getting better yes, it definalty is getting better. but, theres still a big ass hurdle in the way, and only time will take that bitch down. hopefully sooner rather than later, but none the less. and as bad it may sound and im sorry, i really am to have to say this, i cant wait til it happens. ill be happy as hell! but, until then, i shall stand by, and do all i can, and show yall whats up. im here, you know it. i aint going anyway anytime soon. love yall, later.

is he worth it?

instead of writing a huge blog, right now, all i want to know, is. is a man, who is honest. hard working. loving. caring. would do anything for you. and is able to freely be himself around you. is he worth it? if you werent 100% in every way happy with your life and what you have. and this man came along, and just fucked everything up by showing you this, is he worth it? am i, worth it?

You gonna have to be in tune.......

you gonna have to be in tune, with your star player, cause these haters, do not play fair. ive come to a realization, and i learnd it form a Katt Williams special, that you need to be in tune with yourself. there are always gonna be haters, and thats theyre job. theyre job. they hate. thats its. you need to stop worrying about about all these other people and worry about whos lookin you back in the mirror, fuck what the hell they be talking about, how the fuck are you doin, how are you? i need to worry about what makes matt happy, what does make matt happy? well, football. football makes me happy. so ill run with it, football it is. friends, frineds also make me happy. so ill take all of those i can get. ummmm, well, heres the problem. and to me, this is a big one. a partner to oppose me. a partner would make me happy. but i cant seem to find one of those. my woman needs a few things. she needs to enjoy and love the things i love. football, sports in general. being somewhat of a neck. friends, you gotta have friends. love your family that loves you. you aint gotta love them all jsut cause they got your blood, trust me, i got stories i will change your mind. but i need a woman, who can fill my voids. be mine, be with me. be into me. be in a relationship for me. not for the perks i bring, but for me. i want a woman who would love me the same, if i was poor ass broke. and couldnt find a job, but wanted me around anyway cause she loves me and knows im gonna still do all i can to make her happy. sure i fuck up, a lot. i know i do. but tell me one persons name other than jesus, who is perfect in ALL ways. go ahead, ill wait......... exactly, you cant. knwo why, cause aint no one perfect. no one. i will say it again. no one. one more time, AINT NO ONE IN THIS WORLD PERFECT, AND IF ANYONE IS THINKING WELL THE POPE, NEGATIVE, MAY I BE THE ASS TO REMIND YOU HE WAS IN HITLER YOUTH? sorry, side tracked. anywho, i need a woman who can better me. i know of a few who are close, and a few that could fit perfectly. but will i ever have one of them? idk, but i know when i get a chance, i will take full advantage of it to get her. is there a line running out my door of women, no, are there a few yea. more than i know, maybe? but thats not the point. when i find something i want, im gonna be me, to get it. the new me, well not new so much, as the surpressed me. no longer am i going to down play myself, and not show amazingly wonderful for someone i know i can be. i will let everyone around me know. you will see it in my actiuons everyday. and some of you may think its a show, or im putting up a big front, well guess what, bite me. idc what you think if your not on my side. i knwo the right thing to do, and say, and how to be. and thats just how it is form now on. i have at a time in my life, come across a woman. a woman so crazily amazingly beautiful. whom which for some ungodly known reason, was into me. shes sporty, necky, loves her friends, is awesome, more than i could have ever asked for. is incredible in all ways, but guess what? no, cant do it. couldnt do it. just couldnt. she shoots, she loves football, playing and watching. neck- not red burnt, but nicely tanned. she awesome, the family, holy crap! awesome. but, you never know how things pan out. things never HAVE to go your way. shes all i could ask for, and everything more that i could want not knowing i want it. shes the one who could be in a relationship, for me. i think. i hope. i pray. will i ever get my chance, who knows. but she knows i pray for it. and would want nothing more than to be able to have it. her family knwos this as well. they saw it unfolding right in front of them, and they saw how happy she was. she was beaming, and i wasnt even trying to do what i was. anyone know why, cause i was the real me. it was Matt Clark. when i was being me, eveyrone around me was happy, and loved it. shes knew i wanted her so badly, still does in fact. but will i ever get my chance, who knows? but like Katt says, you gonna have to be in tune, with your star player, cause these haters, do not play fair. and oh how true that is. but guess what, keep hatin, you only makin me famous and want to work that much harder just to piss you off. if you aint with me, you against me. if you aint got no one to hate on, please this is an open call to haters everywhere, please, please please, hate on me. cause your hate, and trying to keep me down, is a great thing. MOTIVATION. A GIMMIE SOME, GIMMIE SOME, PT, PT, ITS GOOD FOR YOU, GOOD FOR YOU, GOOD FOR ME, GOOD FOR ME. and so is your hate. but back to my main point. she knows she aint happy. could she be, yes, and she knows how to get there. she knows what its gonna take. all shes gotta do is say come get me and im yours, and as sure as forest gump was running, i say (in a forest liek voice) ill be running, all the way to you. (end forest voice) and ill show you how its suppose to be. ill take care of you though you dont need it but want it deep down, and you can take care of me thhough i dont need it but want it deep down. she and i both know we can better each other. the family knows it. i can do things some others cant, ive proven that. that was a little dirty inside joke, hopefully she gets it. but in closing, all i got left to say is, you know it, you know it all. this blog was completly and totally unnecessary. but guess what, i WANTed to put it up here. do i need you, no. do i have to have you, no. but sure as i am hell is hot, i WANT you. and ill be waiting. to do as youve always known me to. be me. good night to all, and i will say a prayer for all of you tonight, as i did last night. and as for my post last night, id just liek to say, i was right. not one person called me. not one. but i had comments jsut as i said i would. love me some fake people dont you? and to my sister, you, are what keeps me sane. you keep me level. keep me in line. without you, im lost and have no one ashley. the stigma we have, is jsut us i know, but just as much as we fight and everyone knows we'll be the first to kill each other, they knwo the opposite. they know we love each other more than anything. i love you ash, always have and always will. your my big sister, and i cant thank you enough for raising me as you did. cause we all know it wasnt mom. it was you. i love you, and i cant wait for you to call me, and i know the exact words that will come out of your mouth, WHOS THIS BITCH THATS GOT YOUR PANTIES ALL IN A WAD? but i know what you mean, and ill start to explain it, and youll hate her as every other woman ive ever been with, just for the fact, you think there is never going be a good enough one for me, and i love you for that. youve always wanted the best for me. and i you. once again, thank you for all youve taught me. i now knwo how to apply makeup, and do hair, liek braids and whatnot, i know how to apply nail polish cause of you, cause all your friends and you did all that shit to me when i was younger. and fyi, you better hope your vhs zero aint off, casue i aint been hit in the head with one in awhile, so try me now. i love you ashley, and i love my family, and i love my friends, and to you, you know who im talking to, you know im talking to you. i love you. with all my big ass heart that you stole. and your right, you dont steal, but you also cant deny this time you did it. i miss you and until next time, just rememebr who i am, what i do, and what i represent. you got me, you know you do. goodnight all. comments to follow im sure either here or facebook. but just as before people, WHO WILL LISTEN. 402-315-8822. goodnight! and god bless.

who will listen?

i have much to say, i have much to share. i want to talk about the way things are to me. after all, isnt it my life? arent i suppose to live my life to better me? i go home with me everyday, not anyone else. i have to deal with my problems, that why there mine. im a very large person, and not just size wise. i have a very big heart, a very big mind, and a very big soul. all of which are open, if you can dig deep enough. but i can honestly say, that in my life, there has never been anyone, anyone who has. ill even go as far as this and start dropping dimes. jessica lasovich, ashley danielsen, britney cronk, the list can go on and on. but i can honestly say, the person you know, isnt me. not until and this will sound horribly cheesy, but i dont care what you think or who you are anymore, not until i watched a movie by myself did i figure the most important thing in the world. its what spme people want to claim they do, and thats know me. you can say you know me, but the absolute closest person who knows me, knows more about me as a person than anyone, is god. hes created me in his image. however warped it may be to some, he did. but the person on this earth, who is the closest to knowing the real me, i dont know. i dont know if she..... if she just wants to be as she is with me all the time, or if its the stigma her and i live by, but its my sister. ashley. shes the only person, who i have ever opened up to, honestly opend up to and spilled everything about myself to. but i feel as though even sometimes, she dont get me. i a large person, size wise. but im even bigger in my personality. you may not physically see me, but you know when im there. i may not even be there, but im there with you, cause you know what id expect form you, what id do for you, how id protect you. id like to think you think of me when you need something, and fyi, when i say you, i mean anyone and everyone ive ever had an impact on there life. id like to think im loved, and well respected. hated by some, but im ok with that. ive reached for help before. but never like this. this is probably changing the way some of you think of me. i try to be the big bad hard ass as best i know how, try to protect all and everyone. i try. but this is one time when, someone of my stature, whether it be good in your book or bad, i need someone. anyone. i may need more than one. who knows, i dont cause ive never done this before. and this is what im asking for. anyone, who can block out everything you knwo about me, or have ever thought about me, and can with a clear head, listen to me. not just comment my status's and say are you ok, are you ok, are you ok. heres your answer. NO. im not. i dont care who it is. i really dont. i need someone. someone who wont judge me. and give me a chance to start over with them. so they can know me. for good or for bad. idc, i want someone to know me. other than god himself, i want to be able to look someone in the eyes, and say, this person knows me. ME. friends, family, exs, and futures will read this. make theyre own judgements about what im saying, but how many of them, knwoing this is an open call, to anyone. will have enough heart to reach out. ive reached for years. and pulled with all my might some of you through things you never thought youd make it through. ive made some of your lifes at times, hell. but i need you to let that go. i need you. i want someone to help me. i want someone to understand me. i cant act anymore. i just cant. i went to church on sunday, and i belive, with all my heart, god spoke to me. and he said to me, Son, its your time. Its time to do what you know you should have always done. you always knew you could start over, but you have to do one thing. and thats trust. trust in me, your lord god, to carry you. but in doing so, live right. the message to me from the preacher, was forgivness. the message to me form god, was start now. as soon as im done typing this, i will pray to my god, for that forgiveness and the strength to do as he wishes me to. and the strength, to defeat my own mind, for when someone whoever it is reads this, and does have that heart that i hope they think they do and calls me, or comes to me, that i dont close up and shut down. i will pray for all of you, and i will pray for those who hate me, love me, and any other emotion towards me. its not about what you want form me anymore. its about what im going to give you. and thats the real Matt Clark. i will not act anymroe. i just cant do it. this is me form now on. and im just saying right now, if one person critisizes my grammar, spelling, or any of the sorts, when im the most serious ive ever been, i swear to you, and god, i will not take it. do not take this as a sign of weakness. this is not a threat, i will not hurt myself for any of those who think thats where this is going. im trying to be who i know i need to be now. there may be extra letters here and there, but i dont care. i may screw up spelling, but bite me. dont miss my point. ive tried to be some peoples help. and in closing, i will ask this, who...... will be mine?